Oh So Sorry...

It hurts my heart to see my husband even in a bad mood.  He's such a good hearted well meaning person that it rips my heart out to see him disillusioned, disappointed, and disheartened.  We had found a church to go to that was semi excepting of my tattooed self, (the opposite of all the churches we'd tried before that loved him and wished to ignore me into nonexistence) geared toward unchurched people...but they were not excepting of my  all american, typical normal christian husband.  They acted as if he was a spy come in to destroy the unchurchiness they had developed.  I was on my way out of believing there was ever a church that would except me anyway (was only saved two years ago and vastly disappointed in these "christian" people, giving jesus a bad rap is what they are doing) so suffice it to say I was not all that suprised when my belief that we'd finally found a church began to fall apart...not because they didn't except me this time...but by the way they treated him.  We are taking a break from church and I'm not sure how long for.  The foreseable future perhaps, fine by me I'm so irritated with judgemental Judases that I'm to the point of not carrying if we go back.  What hurts me is that my husband who has been such a steadfast example of a good christian: accepting, non judgemental, and an upright example for others around him now is agreeing with me.  It breaks my heart to see him disillusioned.  I'm world weary and used to being hurt by others and expecting the worst to happen is kinda par for the course when I get on a pessimistic streak...but not him.  He's the ultimate optimist who always sees the positive in any situation...I guess that's how he can put up with me and my craziness the way he does ( I have borderline personality disorder with extreme manic depressive episodes)  He is my saint.  He saved me spiritually and literally from a life of self destruction and pain.  He deserves better than to be treated like he's got an agenda of some sort.  His only agenda is to find a spiritual home that will accept the both of us equally and love us in spite of our differences and not push us away because of them.  I feel so sorry for these people...Oh So Sorry, because they will never know this awesome person whom I am married to.  They refused to give him a chance and ended up robbing themselves.  They don't deserve to know him, and they can all kiss my A**  I won't apologize for saying it that way, I mean every syllable...I'm done.  Fed up.  Over It.  Sayonara.

On a brighter more upbeat note...I Got A Job!  Did a phone interview today and she liked me and my answers so much she hired me on the spot :)  Go in Monday for the drug test (first time in my life I can say NO PROBLEMO bring on the dipstick lol, actually got kinda giddy when I realized that) and to get my pic taken for my ID badge and then I start a paid five week training course on the 9th of May.   I'm really excited to be out around grown ups again lmao.  I've gotta be careful not to slip into baby talk...anybody else ever had trouble with that after being around nothing but kids under the age of 8 for awhile?  We are going to get my cell phone turned back on --finally-- once I start working again cause the hubby is paranoid about me leaving the house without a phone.  At first I'll basically be paying for gas with a few hundred left over each month, but it is more than worth it just to get outta the house for a little while.  I'm gonna go for now cyber folks gotta go set my pin curls...Marilyn style of course (did you expect any less?  I think not)
My warmest regards to you dear friends and I leave you with this to ponder:

"Imperfection is beauty.  Madness is genius and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring"

-Marilyn Monroe

Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere...Escape Hatch

So got a call back for a phone interview already.  Awesome because it's a call center and they hire everybody and anybody.  I've not always been to good at keeping jobs (until i started bartending that's one job I never had a problem getting up the gumption to get to lol) so there is a pay differential for working nights so i'm kinda hoping to get nights at least to start.  I need human interaction!! I need people!!

Welcome To The Middle of Nowhere...Escape Hatch Activated

I am one step closer to platinum blonde and now looking for a job.  I've been a stay at home mom for the last two and a half years and I'm about to lose my mind.  Lately I've been restless and ill content...probably has to do with the fact that I live in B. Freakin'. E. and our only neighbor in a two mile radius is our nosy, gossipy 60 something year old landlord who lives in the house rightnexttous...Y-a-y m-e :*(  I grew up in central Florida in town close to stores and bars and PEOPLE and now...I don't complain about it to my husband because of the reasons we moved here: my drug addict ex husband.  I have custody he has none and yet he was constantly harrassing us and making my two oldest kids life hell.  So we moved out of state back to where my husband is from.  Except not into the city...oh no...into the country...where theres nothing...and nobody.  Not to mention that the people here that I have met are really judgemental and my tattooed, rehabilitated, (formerly black/purple/red headed) self does not fit the mold of "friend"  I still haven't been able to make any substantial connections in the nine months we've been here (probably mostly because we don't go ANYWHERE.  So I'm hoping that getting out of the house and back into the workforce will help with my "maladjustment" I was hoping to find a bartending job but those are not in great supply down here so I'll take what I can get right now and keep a look out  for an opening in my chosen profession.  My husband is aware of my current dissatisfaction so we've made a deal that if I can find a job making as much as or more than he makes right now, he will stay home with the kids and let me go back to work...this is a BIG thing for him to agree to this.  He's always been a huge proponent of the wife stays home with the kids and the husband works.  There's no way we could afford day care for four kids and we only have the one vehicle (which he drives to work) so there would be no way for both of us to work at the same time.  He's so awesome to be willing to give this a chance.  I've already applied to like 20 different places in the two towns nearest us.  So cross your fingers for me cause I need to get some space to breathe and this is my only chance.

Welcome To The Middle of Nowhere

I'm going to attempt to finish bleaching my hair today.  I started a couple weeks ago taking it from black to it's now multifaceted orange layers ala Vitamin C.  Does anyone even remember her?  She was like a One Hit Wonder or something the year I graduated high school with a song called...you guessed it :) Graduation. My goal is platinum blonde just like Marilyn.  Suprised?  I didn't think you'd be.  I feel a kinship to this woman who had to be somebody else, somebody perfect, on the outside while inside she was lonely, confused, and crying.  So The bleaching will be tonight and hopefully I wont have to do more than one more application to get it where I want to be.  I'm still exhausted from my bout of insomnia last night, but I don't have the luxury of sleeping in.  Four kids two under two=up at dawn & NO naps for me lol.
I'll let you in on a little secret...I have been a thin girl trapped inside a big woman since I had my second child...but-drumroll please-NO LONGER.  I have lost enough wait to fit into NORMAL sized clothing again.  I haven't hit my target weight yet but I can shop at my favorite stores again, Rue 21 being the absolute best clothing store I've ever been into.  My ultimate goal is size 7 and Hot Topic (absolute fave store all time) I've already lost over 60 pounds going from a size 22 to a size 15 only a little more to go!

I'm extremely happy with how the outside is starting to shape up...but the inside...it's still confusing me.  I need a Babelfish app for my brain...

Welcome To The Middle Of Nowhere

I've spent most of the night sitting awake, alone in the dark wondering how any human being could be this exhausted and yet this unable to sleep.  I can't relax...my mind roils like a boiling sea, tossing images of indiscriminate randomness back and forth unceasingly.  There is no structure to my thoughts.  Ebbing and flowing, a tide of useless and petty bullshit.  I'm so tired of thinking, of worrying, of trying to explain myself and the words not coming out right...I just want someone else to understand the crazy shit that goes on behind my eyeballs...maybe then I wouldn't feel so crazy.
  They don't wanna hear it.  They love me, they all do.  They love me so much that it hurts them to think that not everything about me is perfectly positive and pleasant in every way.  They take my dissatisfaction with myself as their own personal failure, when it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with them, they're not the cause, not the source, and not the solution...but that's an unsatisfactory answer. It's impossible that they can't "fix" me.  How can they "fix" me if I don't even know what's rattling me and they can't admit there's a problem?
  I'm tired of being mediocre, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm just tired of being so damn tired.  Huh, kinda funny ya know.  No one who knows me will ever read this.  No one who loves me will ever hear me.  It's not because I don't want them to...just because...they don't know how.  My words are broken and misplaced and a struggle to string together when I speak.  It takes time for me to align my thoughts into intelligible strings and then transfer that into words.  It takes too long.  They don't understand(don't wanna admit to) the extent of the damage I've done to myself.  They think I'm being difficult but the truth is my brain just doesn't work as quickly as it use to.  Crying shame...the things we do to ourselves...maybe I'll tell you about it one day...but this isn't that day.
  Gonna try to close my eyes now.  Gonna try to find a dream.  Gonna try to find some peace now.  Can't be as hard as it seems...Can't be as hard as it seems...I need to sleep.