I've spent most of the night sitting awake, alone in the dark wondering how any human being could be this exhausted and yet this unable to sleep. I can't relax...my mind roils like a boiling sea, tossing images of indiscriminate randomness back and forth unceasingly. There is no structure to my thoughts. Ebbing and flowing, a tide of useless and petty bullshit. I'm so tired of thinking, of worrying, of trying to explain myself and the words not coming out right...I just want someone else to understand the crazy shit that goes on behind my eyeballs...maybe then I wouldn't feel so crazy.
They don't wanna hear it. They love me, they all do. They love me so much that it hurts them to think that not everything about me is perfectly positive and pleasant in every way. They take my dissatisfaction with myself as their own personal failure, when it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with them, they're not the cause, not the source, and not the solution...but that's an unsatisfactory answer. It's impossible that they can't "fix" me. How can they "fix" me if I don't even know what's rattling me and they can't admit there's a problem?
I'm tired of being mediocre, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm just tired of being so damn tired. Huh, kinda funny ya know. No one who knows me will ever read this. No one who loves me will ever hear me. It's not because I don't want them to...just because...they don't know how. My words are broken and misplaced and a struggle to string together when I speak. It takes time for me to align my thoughts into intelligible strings and then transfer that into words. It takes too long. They don't understand(don't wanna admit to) the extent of the damage I've done to myself. They think I'm being difficult but the truth is my brain just doesn't work as quickly as it use to. Crying shame...the things we do to ourselves...maybe I'll tell you about it one day...but this isn't that day.
Gonna try to close my eyes now. Gonna try to find a dream. Gonna try to find some peace now. Can't be as hard as it seems...Can't be as hard as it seems...I need to sleep.
Heavenly father loves you, jesus will never leave you. The burden of mental illness is at times tooo much for me to handle but thats when I give it to God. Your words spoke in my heart because the feelings and rapid thoughts is something that is scary at times. Your loved and if you feel fear have faith that God will shine his light of love on you. Quietbrokenwords your in my prayers
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